this is a bit of a more emotional topic to write about. re-living these moments is not something i enjoy doing, but i think it can be healing. i thought that documenting my entire miscarriage journey all in one post would be a lot, but it’s something that i want to make more awareness of. miscarriages are so common, and even though 1 in 4 pregnancies is a miscarriage statistically, no one ever approaches a positive pregnancy test with the thought of miscarrying shortly after. it is devastating no matter how far along you are. so today i want to share all my emotions relaying with miscarrying. i’ll do another post about what your body goes through physically in the future, but today i want to focus on the emotions.
the day i saw blood after i wiped, i was instantly filled with fear. i cried (a whole lot) and called the doctor but had no real answer/solution. that evening has to be the worst engrained memory in my mind ever to exist. i woke up in the middle of the night feeling scared, nervous, and completely wide awake. i laid there in trevor’s arms just sobbing uncontrollably. it was horrible. i felt hopeless and completely devastated of what was most likely beginning to happen to me.
i was able to get in for lab work the following day and an appointment the day after. no answers. weep. pray. repeat. i was scared because i didn’t want to face the news that i knew i was going to hear that day when i went in to talk with a doctor about my results (& i had to go all alone because of covid restrictions). at my appointment they told me my hormone levels showed i was still pregnant, but they were very low. she assumed they would continue dropping and hit zero (meaning miscarriage). i tried so hard to compose myself in front of the nurses, but i just couldn’t. i was alone and being told the most horrible news ever. i wept.
the next day was another emotional day. in my journal (i journal everything) i wrote a very raw and honest prayer to my heavenly father expressing everything i was feeling. i felt defeated- like i was a mom and then lost it 2 weeks later. i was struggling with the fact of why i lost the baby when other women who don’t even want a baby don’t miscarry. i have already lost my brother to cancer, so now why another loss? And i was only 22 years old. i felt like it was beginning to be too much to handle. too much pain. too much sadness. too much death. i ended the prayer with asking for comfort, peace, a healthy future baby, and for my bleeding to subside.
the next day i got a call from the doctor with my most recent lab test results, and i heard the word i was dreading to hear and knew was coming but did not want to accept it. and that word was “miscarriage.” hearing that word hit me in a new way of loss and pain that i had never experienced before.
june 7 – june 13 was the length of the entire process of miscarrying for me. i was very early on, so this differs for every woman.
i weep today as i write this post because reading past journal entries brings all those memories back to me so vividly. i remember that i so badly wanted to feel okay but i spent the majority of the following week or two just laying there weeping. i tried to cover up my emotions in front of others (not recommended) but on the inside i was so broken and hurt.
this is a part of trevor and i’s testimony. god is still good and he is faithful. he did not cause the death of our baby, and we will see our little boy/girl in heaven someday.
more to come in the near future on loss/pain/my miscarriage story. but for now, enjoy your valentine’s evening with your loved one. ❤
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