I’ve been putting off writing this blog post for a bit because it’s not a fun or cheery one by any means. But, I’ve made a few posts about my latest pregnancy and I thought it was only fair to keep you all updated as to what has happened.
At 11 weeks pregnant, I started spotting. At my next appointment, my doctor looked at my cervix and saw that it was friable. Basically, nothing is wrong, my cervix was just worn down and prone to bleeding. This wasn’t an issue & is actually a common thing women get after multiple pregnancies (& especially since I’ve had my babies all close together).
At 14 weeks, I had heavier bleeding. I got in for a rushed ultrasound and baby looked perfect! My doctor found a small hemorrhage behind my placenta right by my cervix. She said since it was so close to my cervix, it made sense that it was bleeding and it’ll need to make its way out. I had about 5 days of heavier bleeding which my doctor assumes was the hemorrhage coming out. About 1.5 days after the heavier bleeding stopped, my cervix continued spotting, but this was not a concern for my doctor & it was very light.
At 16 weeks, I had my regular check up. Baby’s heart rate was perfect and strong in the 150’s! Always wonderful news. 🙂
At 17 weeks, I woke up one morning to the most intense back and hip pain I had ever felt. The back pain was just this constant ache. I could barely walk. I was just in tears cause I felt so off physically. Then I started getting lower belly pain that would come and go and began getting stronger and more difficult to manage. The nurse line told me to go to the Emergency Room.
2 hours later, I was delivering our baby boy in the ER with my husband next to me. It is now a few weeks later and doctors are still unsure what caused the miscarriage. My placenta and the umbilical cord were tested afterwards and both were free from infection and had zero abnormalities. Our son also did not appear to have anything wrong that would’ve caused his death. I did get an infection in my uterus post delivery. This could have been there prior and caused the death to happen, but I had no symptoms prior. Otherwise, I got the infection most likely after delivery. We had to be in the hospital for 1.5 days due to this infection that caused my fever to spike up to 101 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have a lot of questions that I will never have answers to, sadly. And these last few weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my life. I have felt mad, miserable, bitter, frustrated, weak, etc. My body is still bleeding and my boobs were even beginning to produce milk. I’ve never felt so empty & broken. No one prepares you for the moment of seeing your baby after delivery that is not alive and for being wheeled out of the hospital holding a casket on your lap instead of holing a baby. It’s the most empty and awful feeling.
But, what I do know is that God has been with us this entire time. There were so many times He showed up for us even on the day it happened. For example, the lady at church that last minute was able to take our kids was GOD SENT. At first she was unable to watch them for 45 minutes after we reached out to her and if we would’ve waited for that moment, I would’ve given birth in the car or at home. But, she was able to have us bring the kids to her. If that wouldn’t have worked out, Trevor would have not been in the ER with me that day which would have been absolutely awful. We had no clue what would happen and how fast it did. God also blessed us with a baby boy. We currently have one of each gender so truly, the gender doesn’t matter. But, Trevor and I really secretly wanted a boy. We knew if we were blessed with another boy sometime, we would name him Shepherd Lewis, and we were able to do that! It was a dream of ours to name a son this beautiful name we had had picked out for over 2 years.
God sees you. God does not cause pain or hurt. I am confident that He is going to use this situation for His glory!!
We would appreciate prayers as we are navigating life with this empty place in our hearts and arms.
Tia Marie
tia marie 